her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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