YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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