Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
