Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
When are your genitals available?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
