worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
