I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We are two peas in an std pod
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
