this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
