dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
