I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
