then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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