I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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