____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
