I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
