I'm really into asian looking animals
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize
