You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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