Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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