I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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