Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
