i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
