my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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