I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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