your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
