How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
