My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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