Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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