Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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