My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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