Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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