stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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