I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
