Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Of course I have a pirate flag
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
