he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
love makes seman taste better
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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