i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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