i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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