Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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