Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
