even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
