That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
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