Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
