I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
