So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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