FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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