just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
