is your mom at the bar?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
