Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
