Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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