i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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