a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Houston, we have a blender
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
