I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
