White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
